14th July 2024 – a shower moment
For the past two years, I’ve harboured so much resentment and anger towards my mom. She was someone I loved, pitied, and felt grateful for my entire life. But now, as an adult, after standing up to my dad in Korea, I felt deeply hurt by the realisation that my mom’s fear outweighed her desire to protect and love me. It wasn’t a shock of the unexpected. It was rather a lightbulb moment.
Was this because I had grown up digesting her resentment towards my dad, being the only place where she could release the voice she struggled so hard to suppress?
After wandering for two years, I finally found my footing when I screamed at my mom in despair and hung up the phone a few months ago.
What were the roots of my turmoil during those two years?
Why did I feel so calm after that outburst?
What emotions fueled that moment?
And what did that scream really carry?
Two days ago, I video-called my mom. It had been two and a half years since we saw each other at my brother’s wedding. Reflecting on our call, I realised that the anger and resentment I felt towards her were insignificant compared to the guilt and shame of not showing my face to her as her child.
How much she must have wanted to see me but too afraid to suggest because I was blinded in pain of my own?
It’s not to invalidate my hurting but was it worth it, after all?
…
This was a valuable lesson I would have missed if I hadn’t processed this experience in my very own way.
Today’s shower epiphany moment went like this:
Growing up voiceless, disciplined for expressing myself, I had to deal with my wounds to find my truth, my voice. Living on my own terms and unapologetically voicing myself has made me healthier and happier. It brought internal peace into my world that no one could take away, except for those I deeply love. Having a voice is more than just speaking; it represents safety and self-worth. Without it, I was filled with self-doubt.
Understanding how lifeless it is to be voiceless, I wanted to guide my mother through the path I had walked.
The hardest thing for me to let go of and forgive myself for is allowing her to be herself and loving her unconditionally, like the love of a tree, the love of nature…