The kind of conversations I have with myself, or with Shama (my husband), tend to circle around similar themes—self-sabotage, control, and how our subconscious behaviours often steer the ship without us even realising it. I’ve been reflecting a lot on how much I’ve unconsciously held myself back over the years. There’s this pattern of jumping from one thing to another—almost as if I’m constantly looking for a reason to move on before I’ve even given something a real chance.
It’s like I’m always seeking out that justification—whether it’s with streaming, yoga, or some other project—to walk away and start something new. Even when I start something I genuinely enjoy, like a hobby or passion, my mind immediately kicks into overdrive. Instead of just experiencing it in the moment, I’m already thinking, “How do I make this bigger? How do I turn this into something long-term?” I lose myself in the pressure to control it all—wanting to turn everything into something purposeful rather than just letting it be.
Holy cow! It’s exhausting, and it often leads me to sabotage the very things I love. The deeper I go into this, the more I realise that my obsession with control is tied to anxiety. If I don’t feel in control, I feel like things will fall apart. This constant push-pull between wanting to enjoy the present but needing to secure the future creates so much internal tension.
And then it hit me. This pattern shows up everywhere in my life—even in the simplest activities. Whether it’s playing games, doing yoga, or just relaxing, I catch myself trying to structure it, control it, and plan for where it’s going next. It’s like I have this default mode of “What’s the end goal?” instead of just enjoying the process. And that’s where the self-sabotage kicks in. By creating all this pressure, I set myself up to quit before I’ve even begun.
But here’s the thing—it’s also expanding my perspective. Each time I sit with these thoughts or have conversations about them, I peel back new layers and unlock fresh insights about myself and the world around me. Is this how wisdom is built?
My yoga teacher, Mantra, said something the other day that stuck with me: “Wisdom is realised knowledge.” I repeated that phrase internally, wondering why it resonated so much. Now I get it. Wisdom is exactly that—when the knowledge you’ve been gathering finally clicks into place.
I’ve been shifting perspectives for as long as I can remember, and I’ve always wondered why I was so obsessed with seeking out new angles. Now I understand—it’s because each new perspective brings more humility and wisdom. And with that wisdom, comes a deeper sense of peace.
Thank you, life.