This topic has lingered in my thoughts for years, gaining clarity after a profound conversation with my husband a couple of days ago.
Growing up, I was the kid everyone knew. With connections across about 25 schools in my province, I was the go-to person for friends needing info on someone from a different school. Additionally, I was often at the center of organising blind dates among my friends – a common practice in Korea.
So, what led me from being Miss Popular to now, finding immense happiness in solitude? Is there something wrong with me, or have I discovered solitude as my newfound superpower?
The Turning Points
These are two significant events drastically shifted my perspective on friendships:
- Rumours: High school was rife with rumours. From being labelled the “cute one” to someone with a “complicated love life,” and then derogatorily as a sl*t. A lot happened, but in short, my main priority of my teenage life was finding a boyfriend to love and feeling loved. (And to clarify, this was not because I slept around.) Additionally, I had a very toxic group of friends who went out of their way to hurt me, both physically and mentally.
- Moving Abroad: Leaving my country at 18 led to a gradual loss of many connections over the past 14 years. Distance, cultural changes, and evolving interests all played a part. This phase brought an epiphany: my early friendships were more circumstantial than value-based.
Understanding Friendship
Despite these challenges, I realised that the endurance of my friendships was impacted by my lack of effort in maintaining them. Typically, my friends were the ones to initiate contact. On the occasions I did reach out, it often came across as transactional because I usually had some news to share, which sparked feelings of guilt and confusion in me. This situation led me to deeply reflect:
- Am I a passive person? Absolutely not. I’ve always pursued what I wanted with determination.
- Is this a defence mechanism? Initially, I thought so, but ultimately, I discovered it wasn’t.
Despite these revelations, I am fortunate to have left with a handful of lifetime friends who I know will take me into their home without any hesitation if I was in trouble and vice versa. The foundation of our friendship is so strong that maintenance is minimal, yet those ‘minimal’ times we catch up, we are fully present with each other for hours. This journey taught me that it wasn’t because anyone was doing anything wrong—not you, not them. It was simply that our values and what we were seeking in connection were not aligned.
So, if I saw someone grieving over losing friends over time, my heartfelt advice would be not to linger on the notion that something is inherently wrong with you. Rather, let the experience lead you to uncover what you truly value in a relationship.
“So you DO have close friends”
Interestingly, I do have close friends, but they’re not the ones I meet up with frequently. They have their own circles for social gatherings. Instead, these friends are the ones I turn to in life’s challenging moments, rather than companions for casual lunch outings.
This realisation made me question my earlier envy of others’ social outings. Every now and then, seeing others enjoy time with their best friends stirred a longing in me, a wish to have what they had. However, observing my inaction to pursue such relationships revealed a truth: I didn’t genuinely desire that kind of social life.
Could some sort of fear be blocking my drive? Possibly, but lacking passion or drive has never been my issue.
Confronted with these mixed signals, I relish the opportunity to discern my true desires from conditioned responses. Deep down, I’ve always sought connection, albeit more intensely within a partnership.
Discovering Self-Worth
“Am I codependent?”
The answer was YES. Embarking on this journey of self-exploration, I’ve unraveled aspects of my codependency and actively worked on detaching from it. This process illuminated my previously unrecognised low self-worth and led me to a deeper understanding of self-love.
Redefining Connections and Embracing My Truth
Interestingly, I realised that I do have best friends that I hang out with frequently – they’re just not the kind you might expect. They are myself, my husband, and my dogs.
My husband, in particular, has been a pillar, sharing the deepest parts of ourselves and finding joy in every moment together. We respect our individuality while cherishing the growth we experience together.
And then there’s me, becoming my own best friend. Whether it’s enjoying a solitary drive or a walk with my dogs, I find these moments of solitude to be profoundly enriching. The fun and the internal dialogues I have during these times are just as valuable as any conversation.
Does this introspection make me antisocial?
Far from it. I thrive on meaningful interactions with others. Take, for instance, a deep conversation I had with a stranger named Dan. It happened during an evening walk with my dog two days ago. Dan was about to get into his car after a long day on a construction site. We ended up discussing life priorities and how significant events have shifted them.
Or three weeks ago when I assisted an elderly lady in her 80s. Her dog had escaped in the rain, causing her to injure herself. I walked her home and stayed until her granddaughter arrived. During our chat on her couch, I learned about her life’s empowering story.
These interactions, though fleeting, underscore my profound appreciation for connecting with people. I love people, and connecting with others is something I deeply value. This isn’t about a fear of forming deep connections; quite the opposite, those are precisely what I seek out and cherish. Yet, society often suggests that meaningful relationships only come from having a stable set of friends and family with whom you share everything. Many seem to have that but still feel a void, a loneliness they can’t quite shake. I don’t feel that way. My life feels full and rich, not lacking.
Putting to rest the nagging question, “Is there something wrong with me?” has been liberating. Feeling out of place because you don’t fit into the conventional framework of relationships can make you question your normalcy. But this discrepancy stems from cultural conditioning. If your inner narrative conflicts with your actions, it’s crucial to delve deeper. Discovering and embracing your truth offers unparalleled freedom.
To all those I’ve encountered along my journey: whether our interaction was a brief exchange or we’ve developed a relationship over the years, know that you’ve made a significant impact on me. Each connection, each shared moment has enriched my life in ways you might not fully appreciate. I’m sending a heartfelt hug to every one of you, grateful for the time we’ve spent and the experiences we’ve shared.