Reflecting on an entry from my journal dated 20th July 2022, I’m ready to unravel some old thoughts. Let’s dive in and see where this takes us!
“Expressing and articulating my emotions logically is my art.”
Now, more than ever, I stand by this statement. It’s funny, writing has been on my mind since high school, but I always found reasons to push it aside. “Too busy with work,” “I’m not trained in writing,” “English isn’t my first language, so I’ll struggle,” the list of excuses went on.
But this desire to write, it’s persistent, always finding its way back to me. It made me wonder, if I truly want this, why the procrastination? I’m not one to delay my desires, so what’s different here? There must be an underlying FEAR influencing this self-sabotage. It’s not like me to hold back without reason.
Certainly, procrastination might signal that you’re engaging in something you don’t truly desire, driven not by your own motivations but by external pressures. This can lead to resistance, but that’s not what’s happening in my case.
One thing’s for sure, I’ve always been curious, always eager to learn new things. But mastering one thing? That wasn’t my style. I thrived on the experience, the knowledge of something new – the quintessential jack of all trades. Growing up, I had educational support, especially because my mother, constrained by traditional norms in South Korea, couldn’t pursue her own education. So, she made sure I had the opportunities she didn’t which I am utterly grateful for.
Yet, this freedom came with its own baggage. My constant craving for new pursuits often led to comments like, “How long will you stick with this one?” or “You’ll never achieve anything if you keep quitting.” Certainly, I remained undeterred and consistently found ways to convince my mother, meticulously preparing each time. Before making a request, I would calculate everything, covering the cost, location, and other relevant details, ensuring I had a well-thought-out plan to present to her.
Could it be that I internalised a fear of failure, a dread of criticism or judgment? When you’re not in tune with your own voice, it’s easy to absorb others’ narratives as your own. Was my mother, then, projecting her fears of me not meeting her expectations onto me?
Writing this down and analysing it helped me understand my procrastination. It revealed how deeply our fears and the expectations of others can affect our true desires and goals. By recognising these fears and reassessing my objectives, I’m learning to transform procrastination from a barrier into a catalyst for personal growth and fulfillment.
There’s something empowering about facing these revelations head-on, about understanding the why behind our actions. It’s not just about overcoming hurdles; it’s about aligning ourselves with our deepest desires and turning potential setbacks into opportunities for growth.