Insecurity. It’s one of those feelings that creeps into our lives in subtle ways—a hesitation here, a flicker of doubt there—and before we know it, it’s shaping the way we see ourselves and the people we care about. In relationships, insecurity can feel even more complex. It’s not just about one person—it’s about how two people navigate those feelings together.
Recently, I sat down to talk about this with Jesse, who’s navigating the early stages of a relationship, and my husband, Shama, who then shared his own experiences with insecurity. You can watch the full conversation in the video linked above, but I wanted to dive a little deeper here and reflect on how insecurity shows up and, more importantly, how we can create a supportive space in our relationships to process it as a team.
Insecurity: The Roots and the Patterns
For Shama, insecurity wasn’t really about our relationship or trust in the present moment. It was rooted in his past, shaped by experiences that left lasting marks. Growing up in a chaotic and unpredictable household, Shama developed a habit of preparing for the worst—a defense mechanism to cope with the environment he was in.
In his childhood, this coping strategy helped him feel some sense of safety and control when so much of his world felt beyond his power. But those patterns didn’t just stay in his childhood—they followed him into adulthood and into our relationship.
In our relationship, those same fears would resurface. He’d find himself thinking things like, “What if something happens and I’m not there to protect her?” This wasn’t about me being unsafe; it was about the helplessness he’d felt as a child in an abusive household. That sense of needing to “prepare” for bad situations was deeply ingrained, tied to the belief that if he didn’t stay on guard, things could spiral out of control.
Then there was another layer: “What if I’m not good enough? What if she finds someone better and leaves?” These weren’t thoughts about us. They were echoes of past experiences. Growing up, Shama learned that joy often came with a cost. Something he loved might be used against him—“I did this for you, so now you owe me”—or taken away completely, often as a way for others to assert control.
That combination of experiences left him with a tangled association between joy and loss. Anytime something felt good, it also felt unsafe—like it was only a matter of time before it would be taken away. That’s a lot to carry into a relationship, and it’s something many of us might recognise in ourselves or someone we love.
Honesty and Commitment
One of the most significant factors in our ability to face insecurity together was Shama’s honesty and authenticity. From the beginning, he was open about his feelings and willing to explore where they came from. His commitment to growth—to doing the work for himself—was what made all the difference.
I could have supported him all I wanted, but if he didn’t see the value in that process or commit to it for his own growth, it wouldn’t have gone anywhere. Support in a relationship is a two-way street. It requires both people to show up—one to hold space, and the other to step into that space with courage and a willingness to grow.
Shama’s honesty created the foundation for us to move forward. He didn’t shy away from those hard conversations or from looking inward. That level of self-awareness and accountability made all the difference in transforming insecurity from a barrier into an opportunity for growth.
Facing Insecurity as a Team
Insecurity in a relationship isn’t just one person’s problem. It doesn’t belong solely to the person who feels it. In a relationship, insecurity becomes something you face together.
A supportive partnership has the power to either amplify those insecurities or create a space where they can be understood and worked through. For Shama, having that space—a space where his feelings weren’t judged or dismissed—made all the difference.
He shared how much shame came with those feelings. That inner voice that whispered, “Why am I like this? Why can’t I just trust and let go?” Even though he knew I wasn’t judging him, that shame still lingered. But what helped him was knowing that I wasn’t trying to fix him. Instead, I stood by him as he worked through those feelings.
Shama said something during our conversation that stuck with me: “The shame didn’t go away overnight, but knowing you weren’t trying to fix me—just giving me the space to figure it out—made me feel safe, not broken.”
And isn’t that the goal? To create a relationship where insecurities aren’t seen as flaws, but as opportunities to understand each other better and grow together. It’s not about avoiding those difficult feelings—it’s about leaning into them as a team. That’s where real connection happens.
Accountability
While a supportive partner can create the right environment, the work of processing those feelings has to come from within.
For Shama, that meant asking himself the hard questions: “Why do I feel this way? If this doesn’t reflect my present, where does this stem from?”
Through that self-reflection, he began to untangle those old beliefs—the ones that told him joy always came with a cost, or that he wasn’t good enough. And at the same time, we focused on building a foundation of trust and understanding together.
This wasn’t about one person bending or changing to accommodate the other. It was about finding a dynamic where both of us could grow, where both of us felt seen, safe, and supported.
The power of a supportive relationship lies in its ability to turn moments of insecurity into opportunities for growth. It’s not just about holding space for the other person—it’s about building something stronger together.
Insecurity isn’t something you can just fix or ignore—it’s something that needs to be understood. And when a relationship becomes that space, it stops being about your insecurity or my insecurity. It becomes about our growth.
How many of us carry those old stories—those beliefs about not being enough, or that joy always has to come with loss? And how often do those stories quietly shape the way we love or let ourselves be loved?
Maybe it’s worth asking: Are these stories still serving you?
How do your relationships show up for growth? Do they create a space where insecurities can be understood and worked through, or do they amplify them? Something to think about as you navigate your own connections.
If you’re curious to hear more about how I approached this insecurity as a partner, feel free to check out the video above. I hope it offers some insight and sparks reflection in your own journey.
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